Does anybody remember an old comic strip about a Great Dane named Marmaduke, who fashioned an artificial mustache to compete with the other dogs who were trotting around, sporting various forms of facial hair?
How about Einar, the son; Ragnar, the father? Hint: Kirk Douglas, and Ernest Borgnine.
One had a beard, the other scraped his face like a woman. Both were splendid savages.
What is the psychology behind hair on the face, and why is it such an issue with a culture which is purported to love Lord Jesus Christ and Santa Claus?
Employers--and the government-- don't like facial hair. They like their employees docile, and mild-mannered like the fictional reporter, Clark Kent.
The ultimate kowtow of thought control is the sanction against facial hair. We're talking private property rights here!
Even Disneyland makes the "pirates" on the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride wear stupid looking fake beards, when a Long John Silver, Charlton Heston version of a pirate is what is required.
Dress codes are understandable in moderation, as there is also the other extreme end of the spectrum featuring pierced eyebrows, barbells in the tongue, gangland tattoos, green and purple hair, butt cracks and saggy pants featuring a homo-erotic display of underwear, etc.
Personally, I like colorful characters, so I won't get too bent-out-of-shape if a Leopard Man or Lizard Man is operating the cash register at my local Denny's.
"Brad Pitt said last week that his 'goal' was to bring back the mustache. 'I don't think 'staches are respected enough,' he told Extra of the facial hair he's sporting for war movie Inglorious Basterds. It's political. It's a political statement.' His pal George Clooney is also sporting facial hair for his film Men Who Stare at Goats."
According to this quotation from USA Today, of the 1,700 readers who voted on which look they prefer, 74% voted for George Clooney--"Love that scruffy look." Twenty-six percent said they prefer Brad Pitt, with "He's neat and sweet."
Pretty boy, Brad Pitt redeemed himself with his film portrayal of outlaw Jesse James. I did not see "Fight Club."
The headlines read "Clooney vs. Pitt: Clash of the 'staches."
Too bad Val Kilmer and Kurt Russell beat them to the draw, with the film Tombstone.
Kevin Costner and Dennis Quaid are next in line for accolades, for their film Wyatt Earp.
My idea of a good mustache resembles a sinister Hells Angels Fu Manchu. I "sported" a mustache for nine years, after wearing a long red beard for 32 years.
"We almost care!"
The only problem with this "political statement" is that it has a tendency to absorb whatever one is eating at the time, like a big blob of mayonnaise, or some other disgusting detritus. In addition, if one drools during the sleep period, the mustache can pick up a smell of rotting garbage. Nice!
My mother--before she passed on-- used to tell me: "Your appearance frightens people, son." I used to glory in that realization, knowing full well that facial hair is indeed a political statement. It is what separates the square from the hipster.
The only problem is, that I never realized how cool squares really are! Guys like Pat Boone are the really hip ones.
I always made sure my hair at least touched my shoulders, as a special "F-U" to society and its "dress code" of conformity to modern times. There is a quintessential rebellion which brews in the heart of a real American.
One thing I particularly hated was the necktie-- a noose to irritate the shaved neck. The man who invented it should himself be hung. I know! Let's restore lace and powdered wigs!
I found sanctuary--and employment--in the medical profession, where hair is not the issue it seems to be in "The Real World." They have "beard bags" for the surgeons in that sane world.
There is a certain aristocracy, as defined by the job market, which reduces service-industry jobs to requiring a slavish, menial deportment as a prerequisite to employment. Those jobs where one must work the hardest, pay the least, with less freedom of self-expression.
I am not too sure where the pencil thin eyebrows and mustache of Mickey Rourke fit in, with his film portrayal of a Confederate bank robber in The Last Outlaw, but that look worked well as a special incarnation of Satanic majesty. It was reminiscent of Captain Hook.
I had always considered a mustache kind of like an unnatural third eyebrow, before I made the decision to retain mine, after being persuaded by two women one sunny afternoon, over wine under the redwoods, to shave off the beard I wore most of my life. I could not quite go all the way, and needed a nine year decompression period, "sporting" a mustache.
I kept the mustache in honor of the Swedish sea kings of Sutton Hoo ship burial fame, who had the mustache depiction fashioned in metal, below the nose guard on their splendidly ornate helmets.
My politics leaned toward archaeology and the Wild West. Perish the thought that I should resemble a Hippie peace creep!
Now I am clean-shaven, and short-haired, writing this testament to the superior joys of having NO facial hair. I am now in the same club as Roger Moore and Clint Eastwood's film character, Inspector "Dirty Harry" Callahan.
In other words, a guy who hates the system, but has learned the rules of adaption, to a "T." That means making the rules--not following them.
Clint looks good with and without facial hair. Clint Eastwood is "The Man" at all times, in all seasons...from cradle to grave.
I want to say that it doesn't really matter whether a man wears facial hair or not, having now been on both sides of the fence. What does matter is how that man treats a woman, and whether the woman he loves prefers him to be clean-cut... NOT the employer, nor the federal government.
Once upon a time, during the Civil War, our military generals all wore the beard, and they looked stately, like the prophets of olden times. What changed in the national psyche, to the point where the federal government decreed that a man should be shorn like a sheep? Was it the hijacking of our government in 1913 by the private corporation known as "Federal Reserve?"
The real thesis of this short true confession of vanity press, regards the absurd military haircut.
I want to know who the son-of-a-*itch is that created the high-and-tight for our beloved Marine Corps? He should be garroted with piano wire and hung from a meat hook!
Americans are free men and not owned by their government, their employer, nor by the private central bankers of the "Federal Reserve."
Throughout the ages short hair has been the mark of a slave. In medieval times, the shorn pate distinguished the peasant from the nobleman.
That is why when the United States military conducts joint maneuvers with foreign nations, those troops laugh at our soldiers, because they have no hair.
Yes, hair is a political statement. The politics of individuality. Being in a position to "Just say no" to people who would pull one's strings. Kind of like Vice President Richard B. Cheney..."having other priorities."
Why then do we as a society indulge in the habit of shaving the heads of our military personnel the minute they enlist? Is it really a good idea to figuratively destroy the manhood of the enlistee by removing his lion's mane? What is an eagle with his wings clipped?
Why does "our government" insist on taking the last vestige of individuality from the recruit who is prepared to give all, in service to his country? Who thought it wise to form a priesthood for the military class?
As Thomas Jefferson observed of priests: "In every country and every age, the priest had been hostile to Liberty."
It was George Washington who advised that a soldier remains essentially a civilian. Why the demarcation line, based on absence of hair? Are we citizens not soldiers for our country?
When we assumed the Soldier, we did not lay aside the Citizen.
George Washington
Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free state.
Thomas Jefferson
It's NOT about attitude or instilling discipline; it's about slavery, pure and simple. They want to own your butt! Your balls are forfeit, when you join the priesthood!
A real soldier would thank General George S. Patton Jr. for slapping him-- for being the recipient of individualized attention. Now that is attitude!
It is well to remember that America was founded by long-haired rebels, and that the original Marine Corps troops wore ponytails.
Our Founding Fathers wore courtly ringlets,as was the fashion then and now.
Who thought it a good idea to reduce good peasant stock to a lump of protoplasm? Eat that jelly doughnut!
America has always been somewhat schizophrenic in regard to hair for men--except when they no longer have any, then some corporate entity will try to sell it to you.
In this day-and-age of a McDonald's hamburger joint in every country of the planet, and immigrant zoos of open borders for every nation; the conformity to sameness is the harbinger of the ascendancy of Big Brother thought control.
America is in serious need of a Baroque Renaissance--a new Age of Enlightenment, if you will. This should extend to new uniform designs for our military, and a more relaxed attitude toward hair length and what the term "service" really means.
Let's get rid of the drab uniforms, and insignia more worthy of the Red Chinese Cultural Revolution, or "Dear Leader," Kim Jong Il.
As one Vandal who has adapted to the superior joys and civilizing effect of the Roman Empire-- including the razor-- I wish it to be known far and wide that a man is not to be judged by appearance alone, unless the idea of a clean-cut Ted Bundy as a hotline crisis counselor has special appeal for you.
If some guy wants to look like ZZ Top, that's his business, as long as he doesn't dip his beard in my soup when he serves me.
Based on the American historic orientation toward Puritan thought control, the war between the Roundheads and Cavaliers apparently continues.